it's summer time

well I'm glad every one is back on board with the blog and what not or at lest starting to post on it i dunno is Vanessa is gonna continue on it thou :P.

anyway yea its summer its hot as hell and I'm sweating on a computer with no ac ain't it great XD I've made some summer plans such as buying all the Cd's on my CD list now this list is huge i don't even no how long its gonna take to do but i wanna be able to get em all. I also have been going out more this summer then previous which is a good thing i assume lawl another plan i have is once i get all the Cd's from my list or at lest most of em me and my pal fill gonna go to earls court were he works to his pimped out shack that has a PS2 and guitar hero gonna get sum pizza tunes going PS2 and just chill out there till night fall i believe should be epic day then we also planing a trip to Montreal or Quebec to see are pal jamila but yea that's all i can think of to say peace mofo's :p

After So Many MONTHS !!

Okay, so I guess, i haven't kept my word of trying to post a lot here, and even though I know not a lot of people read this blog, it's just a good way of of just letting out your idea's in whatever way possible. Your Troubles. Worries. Life Stories. Whatever. I guess i could honestly say that I just started writing again, because I find it more relaxing for me, a way to open up without really opening up, a way of just letting your ideas, your thoughts flow thorugh your fingers into the keyboards.

Recently, I had those mix emotions and I so really wanted to start typing ever since school ended 2 week ago. With my family; the usual feelings: stress with parents, frustrations with them, and babysitting. With my friends; it's kind of confusing. Another wave of feeling that we always go through. I guess, ever since 2 months ago, I started to change my views of situations. These days, I don't seem to care about what happening around me. I let go of feelings I knew was pointless and got me nowhere, and starteed feeling things I actually wanted to. I guess, when you learn how to let go of things, you learn to take up new things. When you learn how to let go of something, move on to another, especially if you know that you would never get it back. It's hard to let go of something so precious and special to you, but once you learn that sacrificing the things you love is a part of life, knowing that it will be with you in any other way is some of things you learn to appreciate. It's hard giving something up. It's even harder knowing that it's hard to let go. Letting go of what makes you happy for the sake of others, is given a reward far greater than happiness, but the true love of friendship that goes with you wherever you are.

Other things that are new, in a way is that I'm having a feeling ever since certain events, I haven't really been a good friends to others, especially when i was at the
Aside from my personal problems during my absence of writing, I've encountered problems of other people, more specifically confused people. Although I may not have been a good friend during that time, I truly understand what their going through. It's just a stage in life where you become confused, especially with your identity, God made you as you are, you are what you want to be because you have that choice to become that person, changing yourself instantaneously and becoming who your not be only makes you more confuse of who you are. Changing yourself to fit into socitey and what they expect you to be only makes it more confusing. People will like you for who you are, maybe not everyone, but to those who can see the goodness beyond what they want or what they need. Yet, we as we live our lives, we continue to discover our true selves, its probably the hardest mission we will ever go through, but time plays its part as well as having each other, to help us look for ourselves.

So I have so many other things to talk about but I guess I'll stop here. Hope you guys made sense of what I was writing, sometimes what I write nowadays don't make sense, but when I have time, I'll write more often lol. but here's a final message that I think could really summarize all those stuff that I was talking about.
Life Lesson learned today, is that "Friendship is beyond how we define it, but Friendship is the love that you gain and share with the world."
lol hope that makes sense to you, if not, please try to think deeper and inbetween the lines.

confusion has finaly set in and im ok with it

so it seems I've come back here sooner then i expected. I come back though with a greater understanding of the situation and how i feel about it all at first i thought id feel really bad and some what "broken" but i don't.

It feels like it hasn't phased me at all i dunno if it is because i keep filling my self with false hope that hopefully she would take notice of how much I've tried to help her and show her how i feel but.... at the same time i feel as I'm helping delta out which bothers me thus causing me to pick my words wisely thinking she is asking questions that would help her understand him.

See she would send me messages about asking "how would a guy would prove he likes or is into a girl" and i tell her what I think and what I would do" i didn't really get it at first but now i do.

she said she is confused and doesn't know what to do but what bothered me was what about me what about all the stuff i said and did what about all the effort i put into asking her. I continue to assume that every ting she said was a lie and it sucks to think that because i don't know what to do.
she says: So its awkward when I talk to u about him?
me says: but then i dunno what to do because of that whole ex thing
she. says: I'm sorry
me says: no its not awkward i just feel that
[she. says: Like I told him ima tell you. Don't wait for me to make up my mind and choose or say final say. I don't know right now.
me says: yea i knew that i somewhat knew that because you said u were confused and all
she. says: Sorry. I really hate when stuff like this happen.
me says: that makes to of us :)


and with a fake smile i tries to hide how he is feeling about everything but for sure he knows he is confused but he doesn't care. I guess that's what happens after a while always being there for some one when they need someone and always helping out and getting walked on changes a person.. in a way i don't feel sadden or depressed and it confuses me allot.

I've learned something about this though i learned not to get close to anyone if u don't want to feel used and all that stuff that is associated with being depressed with these kinds of things.

i guess the next step to this is trying to figure out what to do about it all now because i sure as hell don't know what to do.

i really don't feel like writing that much and i just really wanna go to sleep and just dream about things and hopefully not think about it or wake up thinking about it id rather wake up thinking about what to do.

just when i think things are getting better the fog clears and everything is as messed up as it was before

i have decided to use the blog as a way to come and vent out a bunch of stuff on my mind and as a way to let out some bottled up feelings and what not. since the blog has been getting very little use i thought it be safe to post this on it because i only have trusted friends who co write on it and no one Else knows of its existence. I will use fake names to keep things under wraps with who it involves

So just when i think things were getting better with my predicament the same outside factor that messed it up for me decided to show up again. now i can understand how...delta feels *i will refer to outside factor as delta* wanting to be taken back and to apologies for what he has done or what has been said of him i don't no the details between delta and her.

see Ive had sum theories and Ive been told other thoughts on why he has come back after a bit of an absence. 1st) delta has noticed that she has started to move on and is more happier with another *I'll refer to other as billy* and when he noticed that her and billy have been getting close it effected him in a way were he didn't want her to get close with billy and that he wanted her back but not for the right reasons.

2ND)she believes that since she ended it with delta he wants to get back with her make everything seem all good and great then when things are at it's high he would end it with her. it's my understanding he is doing this to get sum sort of revenge or get the satisfaction of breaking up with her.

now she believes that every thing delta said is complete and utter bullshit and she doesn't trust him. But she is also confused and stressed out about this situation and doesn't know what to do about it all now.

billy on the other hand is confused about it all doesn't no what to do and feels at times he made a mistake falling for her when he also had feelings for sum one Else and he knows that it would be more straight foreword with the other girl.

See billy has herd all the shit she has been through and has seen how she has become a stronger person by dealing with it and its something he admires about her. So he somewhat set him self on a mission to prove that not all guys are assholes who only think of one thing , to show that not all guys are the same, to show that there are guys who really do care about one person and would do anything to go out of there way and make them happy.

So in short he wants to prove that you have to wad through shit in order to find your diamond in the ruff so he set out to prove it and after a while he asked her if she liked him all that stuff and it turns out she liked billy. Now it was all working out till delta showed up.

see now not only is she confused but so is billy she said she doesn't want delta anymore and has no interest in him at all and billy See's that as a small sense of hope that he can go back to they way it was. But billy is confused about it all and when he tries to get answers things don't really go his way.

She sayes things about going on "vacation" to get away from it all she also sayes that she doesn't even know if she wants a relationship anymore with anyone which bothers billy allot due to the fact that he truly dose care about her and dose what ever he can to see her smile and happy.

billy has thought about it and wants to let her go and do her thing because he knows that as long as she's happy he will be happy and from what he thinks about it it's all he truly wants for her he knows shes been through allot and he just wants her to be happy so whether its with billy or anyone Else her happiness is what really matters to him the most.

But he has a hard time doing it because he cares about her to much and doesn't want her to feel alone and sad even though she has her friends and what not he believes he should be there for her help her out even though he believes in something stupid called the friend zone but he doesn't care.

See billy thinks that in time things will work them selves out and everything will resolve them selves and that's what he hopes for the future to fix all this.

this is all i feel like writing up on here i may end up deleting all this if i feel that others may find out about this all with out me telling them or that they may spread it to others or if i just don't feel like seeing this on here at all i may turn to the blog again soon depends i guess really